One thing about me I hate the most is that I always take things for granted. And when I lost that particular thing, I will then start to regret and make a big fuss over it.
I get tired of waiting and waiting. I am so tired. I wonder why will I even wait, even we have a chance to get back, I know I will never gonna make you mine again. But, I still keep waiting, I am weird. I don't know what is with me either, why the shit am I even waiting. I don't know. I really don't know. I miss you so much, maybe not you? Maybe is just those memories? I don't know. I used to depend on you so much, and when you are gone, I just feel so, so empty. I need you by my side. I can only refer back to our photos. I just wish, I have appreciated you more and not take you for granted. You have stopped me for leaving, but I didn't care. I wanted all my freedom back, I wanted my friends more than you. I am sorry. I have never found such a guy like you before, who will send me to work every day, send me home after work even though is really late. Go all the way to my house just to talk to me late at night because I was being cold towards you. Tolerating all the shit I have given. Held onto me tightly when I was angry and jealous and even though I was yelling at you. Accompany me wherever I wanna go. Sing to me when I cant fall asleep. Make you run after me cause I was making a missy temper. Making you cried just because I was just too much. I am sorry. I know you are happy with your life right now, without me.
You once texted me that you hate this lonely times but hey, does that means that you are lonely that's why you need me? I am going to say this one last time and I will never gonna mention again, Nicholas, I miss you. And I am going to let you go now, I am going to get over you now, you are out of my life now, I am not going to post anything regarding you from now onwards, I have given up. I am going to show everyone that I am strong enough. 拿得起就放得下。没有你罢了，我还能坚持地活下去。没有了你，我会更加开心和快乐。没有了你，我会懂得独立。谢谢你，你教了我如何去珍惜别人，懂得如何坚强。我一直以来都认为你是我所想要的白马王子，但是我错了。失去我是你的损失。再见。loosing me is your loss, I have given up. Goodbye forever. This will be the last post for you, be it if you even bother to visit my journal. Just wanna say, goodluck to you, and your future. You are still the best thing I have ever gotten (':

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How does it feels when everything just don't go smoothly? Fuxked up right?
Yeah, like duh, things don't go smoothly for you. I have faced so much alone before & yup, I am able to face this again. This is a task for me to solve it, God is fair.
It hurts to see people close to you fading away from you. I thought you will not be like them but you are fading away. I don't see the importance of my presence. I heard things which I don't want to know. You don't ever sympathy about my life, my past or whatever. I don't need all these attention, you dont need to pity me, I don't need all these. Not at all. If you find that I am putting you into a difficult spot then fine, I will not going to care or get jealous anymore. I get jealous cause you are important to me. Oh, she cried and gain so much attention, is just a freaking insult. How about me huh? She cried then I should just jump off the building cause definitely she doesn't face things that I have faced. Never. Does she faces things like loosing people forever? They are not in this world anymore? And they were my best friends. And each day, when I am so fucking upset and when I wanna call them, I will just get damn upset cause no matter how many times I called, I can't get through. Did I fucking cry infront of you guys? No, I am strong enough.I don't want anyone to think that I am weak, I don't need anyone to divert their attentions to me. I don't have to! Does she feels the way i feel like? I may seem to be happy, everyone says I am cheerful, they feel that I have no problem in life. And that's what they THINK. But if you were to be my TRUE friend you will accept for who I am. People hate me, then so be it. I am immune to it. She finds you everyday that's why you guys are closer now, okay. Get this point, I am living in BEDOK area. And I need to study at the same time, I don't want anyone to look down on me, so I am studying hard at the same time. So those past times were just memories? When we go fishing together at night? When we cycle together at night? When we play mahjong at night? When we walked at Ecp late at night? When we go crazy together? When we play kpool together?when we ton together? When we gossiped tgt? When we hear each other problems? When i hear your awesome singing. At times, i may say you suck, everything about u is bad but i dont mean it. In fact, i really love you as one of my best brothers.Okay. I have heard enough, I am hurt enough. Everything is gone, I don't care how you think about me now. I don't want you to be in a difficult spot, I am sorry for all these fuxking nonsense okay. Goodbye, my best friend and brother. I love you. You taught me many things, to ignore those insults, to stay strong, to encounter relationship problems. Heh. I will never ever disturb your life anymore(: rest assure for that. Bye.

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I am writing this to you, and I guess you know who you are if you continue to read(:
Continue with all your stupid actions, faking yourself. Oh, look at yourself first okay? Talking behind my back is alright but you gave the wrong information dear. Everytime walk past me " hi Kesandra " and right behind my back, gossip here and there. Aren't you tired? Telling the whole world about my blog entry? Okay, I am blogging this to you now! (: go tell others then. Continue with your silly actions(:

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Okay, this post will be dedicated to those people I really appreciate & love.
Firstly, my dear cousin : keyi

hehehe! she is the most awesome cousin I have. We have been together for 15 years. We have done the most stupidest things together, get scolding together. Until now, we are still bathing together, so can you see how close we are(: she is really caring, just like a mother(: whenever I ain't feeling well, she will think of a method to make me feel better, she will cook for me, make drinks for me, massage me, feed me(: she knows everything about me, she knows what I am thinking about(: Everytime, when I am feeling low, she will be the first one I will be calling to and I will be ranting out everything, and she will start comforting me, she might not know but whenever she comforts me, I am in fact tolerating myself not to tear, she is really too caring and understand me too well. I love to hear her ranting to me too, seeing her stupid actions, and we will always be taking stupid videos together and each time I play, I will keep laughing to myself even though I keep on re-playing. Remember those days when we paste chewy gums onto the lift button, cry together, laugh together, act like some bimbo bitches, gossiping about others, rub each other's wound, sing like nobody's business, dance like mad woman, and whenever I get drunk, you will sit beside me and place a cold towel against my forehead. so many memories right(: We are totally too crazy and random. Talking about our heart breaks and start ranting again~~ we just keep ranting & ranting. Stupid girl, you are idiot, you are short, you are fat, you are retarded, you suck BUT, I still love you. hahah! muaxkkkkkk!^^ we are going oversea together this june holidays, are you excited?!(:

next one, who I want to thank(: - Jiayi

Hi my dear sister. We may not be as close as we used to be, but yeah, I just want you to concentrate on your Olevel! after your olevel, lets party all nights!^^  yes, your this stupid mei mei, is too emotional.. She cried at times cause she miss the old us. Still remember, everywhere we go, people start saying that we look like twins! AWW! hahahha!(: Miss those days when we worked together, we will go to mac at night to have out supper and you keep telling yourself that you want to slim down but YOU KEEP ON EATING AND EATING! hahaha! You will never fail to put a smile on my face. Whenever I get bullied by someone, you will stand up for me. Yes, I suffered from heart breaks and you will still be there for me, giving me advices which I always don't listen to and in the end? I ended getting hurt again and again. Love those days when I lie down on your shoulder and fall asleep, love those days when we laugh like crazy woman, gang up together. Still remember myself getting drunk and you were so angry that you walked away, I cried like a mad girl cause I don't want to lose you. sorry for being so immature and get into loads of troubles and making you so worry. I miss you a lot, just remember this, I have never ever forget about you, never ever. (: love you

next, hehehe! -Audrey

Thanks sister, you are really understanding, you always know what I am feeling. Whenever I act like I'm alright but you know that I am not at all. You have never given up hope on me although I keep making you upset and disappointed. You will stand in my shoes and advice me. You words never fail to comfort me, I respect you a lot, really a lot. You can be really funny at times and also very serious at times. You have never failed to be an entertainer to others, hehehhehee! ^^ thank you thank you. I love being hugged by you cause I feel that someone actually will care for me(:

next- Jamie han

Thank you brother for letting me knowing how much lord sacrifice for us. I have been changing to so positive is all because of your help. You taught me how to stay strong, you taught me not to care about others, you taught me not to judge others, you taught me so many things. You have never failed to cheer me up and thanks for your comforting. thank you so much, thanks for believing me, thanks for not judging me, thanks for being so understanding, thanks for accepting who I am. thank you. really thank you brother. Love talking to you, cause I feel like a grown up girl whenever I talked to you. HJAAHAA. sorry for being so immature and make you SIGHHHH each time. HAHAHA! THANK YOU and I love you brother!

Next-Shi hao


SUP BRO! hahha! (; thanks for being such an awesome brother, hearing me ranting and accepting who I am. Sorry again for making you sighing each time. We might not be as close as the past us but still thank you brother, You are not forgotten. thank you for hearing me out and answering my calls and nag like a naggy brother. thanks! AND DO WELL FOR YOU OLEVEL AND YOU SUCK! HAHAHA!

next-yong bao

thank you for not judging me (: thanks for hearing me and keep reminding me to be positive at all times. You have never failed to put a smile on my face. Thanks for trusting me and letting me to know almost all your secrets (: you are a great brother. Still remember how we met?(:  Love seeing your stupid dumb face which will never fail to make me laugh!^^ thank you! ahha, thanks for coming down to meet me at times, thanks for standing up for me. THANK YOU. I really want to thank you. so far, we have not started quarreling and I don't wish to start any quarrels either. HEHE! and remember our promises? promising each other to stay contact even though we ages? (: thanks brother. thanks for letting me knowing that there are still so many people caring for me. Thanks!^^
 
next- Russell

Thank you so much bro! hahaha , you are very very direct but that is something GOOD!(: thanks for hearing me out again and again. And stand up for me whenever I got bullied or hurt by someone. We are absolutely crazy, sorry for being so paranoid cause I am afraid you guys might leave me cause I don't have much friends left. I appreciate everything you have done for me. Remember you were totally insane when I got pulled by the hair? remember you talking to me at the chalet ? telling me that all of you care for me a lot. You guys will not leave me(': thank you. love you a lot brother. You taught me a lot(: really a lot, hope to stay in contact 10 years down the street.

next- dejun

Thank you stupid idiot !(: hehehe! thank you thank you thank you! you are the cutest brother(; hehhee! i love your stupid face that make me laugh like crazy. Thanks for hearing me out and sorry for being so paranoid again ): sorry. hehehee, but still, thanks for accepting for who I am and never leave me whenever I met any problems. Thanks for trusting me to know your stuffs (; hehee, remember how crazy we are? we are so close that we are just like real sister and brother. study hard la! you are intelligent is just that you are just lazy, just like a pig. you have always make me go crazy with all your insecure with her. HAHHAA!

next- Spencyy

Hello spencer! thanks for being by my side. your voice is totally awesome, love it whenever you sing(:remember we always talk till late at night with those rubbish things?(: thank you for not judging me and telling me how important life it. you are just like my elder brother(: HAHA! remember how I freaked you out? and you actually cried for me cause you were so worry! hahaa!!! thank you lahhhhhhhh!^^

Hello Samuel! EEHHEEHEHE! Thanks for supporting me and giving me those stupid faces just to make me smile. And I always have a habit to text you whenever I am feeling down cause you always have a method to make me feel better.. remember how we know each other? (: those epic times! ^^ hehee,

Okay, thank you guys, I really appreciate you all, and hope that we will still be in contact. sorry for disappoint you guys again and again but you guys have never given up on me.

Another tiring day!
Okay!(: so umm, feel like talking about FRIENDS. Okay, I am saying out using my own opinion so if I ever offended anyone, I apologize. Okay, so, to MY OWN OPINION. Friends can be either a good influence or a bad influence. And, friends might not be the reason why you have changed. Okay, people judge, obviously there is no wrong judging BUT, when you judge there will definitely be a high possibility that you have gotten a wrong image of the person, right? So okay, what exactly is true friends? No matter what, your true friends will never talk behind your back, will never leave you even though you have changed and will face problems with you, know what you are thinking about And etc.There are HI-BYE friends. But yeah, not true friends at all. People always judge others, even friends do judge one another. They tend to think that "oh, she/he mixes with them, she/he is bad" but nope, did they even know how well this person character is? How well the friends she/he mixes with? They MAY see bad but deep down their heart, they aren't as bad as what others think of. Is just because of them judging and they just have something against them to think that way. Those friends are just rather playful, that's all, but when coming to being serious, you will then see their real images, and realise how well they are actually being brought up. They are just showing their negative sides of them- their mischievous and playful sides. Towards their family members and friends, you can obviously see how much they care for them, how much they love them. Don't judge, know them well enough. Just cause of the outer surface of them, people start to judge and have bad impression of them. I am not shooting anyone in particular, I am just stating out my feelings. Some might not agree with what I say, but like I said earlier on, this is my own opinion.

Friends come&go. But if you were to say how many true friends I have, I can even count them using my fingers, most of them have left my life, but I don't blame them(: why? Cause at least I know they aren't my true friends(:
I feel better everyday, I don't mind being hated, really(: I know people are all gossiping behind my back but yeah, if they are happy with it, then so be it. Just don't forget, karma will strikes you one day(:
But, there is hardly a true friend. Most of them will leave you one day, and even if most of them left you or betray you. Remember, you still have God.

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Hey! (: from now onwards, I will stop posting about the past and unhappy stuffs, life is beautiful(:
I used to complain about how tough my life is, okay, I believe most people will think that way too, but, we are fortunate people, just compare yourselves with others....

So, can you see how fortunate we are but yet we are complaining each day? Yes, I admit, I am really an ass in the past. I thought that I am the worst, I wonder why I have to face so much at the age of 15 but..... There are more unfortunate people. Appreciate everything.

I used to cry in every failed relationships, when I looked back, I realize how dumb I used to be. Come on, is just a relationship, he is gone means gone. What for crying? God is just bringing someone better into your life. Is not like someone has passed away? I am really dumb. So yup, don't get into relationship then you won't get hurt. (:

Hating.
I used to hate a lot of people, haha, I thought that I am right and I suppose that everyone has to give in to me. But, I am so wrong. That's why, I used to be so bitchy in the past. I have learnt so much, thank god for making me realize so many things. Jamie has made me realize so many things(': people judging you, let it be then(: just know that you are not in the wrong, then don't have to worry. If they leave you because you have changed then they aren't your true friends. True friends will be by your side no matter how much you have changed, they will remain supportive. I really agree. Yeah, and I am glad I have realized who are my true friends, who still remain by my side even though I have changed so much. I used to care so much about how others think about me, but again, what for?(: if they ever hate you, let it be. You can't possibly change their thinkings. Just let it be, just tolerate. God break you into pieces then fix you back. Definitely, I agree with that. So what if you may have many haters? your father, god, loves you will do. You should be glad instead, you will be even stronger. I will treat all this as my punishment, blame myself for being so bitchy in the past, and creating troubles, now, I just have to bear all these consequences.
I am going to study hard, and prove to those who looks down on me. (:

Yeah, I am done with what I wanna say(:

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Fish it fish it :< I hate all these! Really. I hate to be reminded about the past and apparently this good friend of mine was talking about how sweet he and I were. Geeeze! Okay. I miss him really so much. It was all my freaking fucked up attitude. Uhh. I am really a failed gf. I hate to regret. Yes, I am regretting in fact. When I think back, I realize how much he meant to me, how much he did for me. I was such a fucked up bitch, I made him run after me cause I was simply too sensitive. I made him pissed and made him tear. Fucked up much right? He is simply too nice, really too nice. He took good care of me when I was dead drunk ( okay, I have stop drinking so please don't judge , that was the past ) I vomit like crazy and needed him to piggy me back to his house. I suck, BOOO! He used to send me to work and send me home but i didnt appreciate it. Kay. Kay. You know, when you are trying to forget someone but those sweet memories just keep on replaying in your mind and you will be like " fuck it, stop smiling to myself like an idiot, is already over" and there goes the break down. LOL. Kay. Random much. So many people telling me that we were the sweetest couple they have seen. I am sorry, sorry for taken him for granted. I remember myself pulling him to the girls toilet cause I was too afraid and I will always pull his arms to wrap around me wherever we walked. I have taken his concern for granted, I have neglected his feelings, all I wanted was FUN with all the rest of my guy friend.And I am too sensitive, I cry too easily. I can't tolerate him talking to another girl but me, myself can talk to other guys. Oh gosh, why am I such a bitch? I miss him too much, I freaking hate myself for being so selfish. I still remember those days when I wake up and I will see him right beside me hugging me tightly. And I will be trying to wake him up by saying " QI LAI DA BIAN , QI LAI XIAO BIAN" HAHHAHA. And every night we will enjoy those beautiful lightings for our first month. I am sorry, for being such a failed gf. Sorry. Okay, why the hell am I tearing! LOLLOL! Kay. I miss those times when he told me about his childhood and having a heart to heart talk. I miss those times when he would scare the shit out of me when we were walking late at night. I miss those times when I made him sing to me. I miss those times when he tickled me. I miss those times when we played pool together. I miss those times when I lie on his lap and fell asleep. I miss everything. I guess he can't be bothered anymore, he has found someone new, someone better. Yes, it hurts but yeah, blame myself for being such a fucked up bitch when I was with him. All I could say is that, I have taken him for granted. Maybe we could last, till now? Till years cause of the promises we have made but I have broken those promises. I was the one who ended. And I am the one who can't get over. Haha, irony much? Okie! Time for me to buck up with my studies!(:
So going to learn hip hop and mummy wants me to learn Latin! Okay, that's weird. But yeah, trying to attempt different types of dance! Kay. Bye.

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Okieokie! I am back once again. Life seems to be tougher, just a little tougher. Guess, things will be better soon. Uh, okay, lots of people assume that I am leading a happy life and whatsoever, Kay, that is what you assume. ASSUME. Stop assuming cause you guys aren't me, you guys don't know how I am feeling, not at all, not a bit. So shhhh.
I can't really explain how I am feeling right now. I am stuck at home, crap. I can only go out on Tuesday and Sunday. What a life. Unproductive day, sleep&eat&study. That's my life. I really really hate myself :Facing all these rubbish, alone. Friendship problems? Family problem? My grandpa's health. Uh, come, try be me and feel how I feel. You know how hard I try to stay strong? Showing a freaking fake smile? How many times I feel like breaking down but I am tolerating?! I am so tired. Fish everything. How does it feels when your own biological brother said that he had given up hope on you and stop caring about you? When he actually slaps you and says that you are just a piece of useless shit cause he keeps on judging you? How does it feels? Haha! I smashed almost everything onto the ground, be it glass or whatsoever. How it feels when your parents trapped you at home? How does it feels when they stop believing you? How does it feels when they keep on judging the friends you mix with but they ain't as bad as what they think of. Hey, come on! They were the one who approaches me when I was encountering problems. Enough with all these craps. I am tired , really tired.

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Okay, so I am feeling really down. I hate crying, cause I hate to show my weak side. I know I am being selfish, being thoughtless, but I am sorry, I ain't happy to be there, I admit I am a little coward, trying to hide cause I don't know how to face them. The most disappointing thing is that they actually revealed all my secrets. Oh well, what kind of friends are they. Heh. Can't blame. Up to whatever they want, they love to see me being at such state then alright. You guys should be happy then. I have left. Many many problems piling up. I have enough of facing each and every problem. Is so tiring, really tiring. Friendship? Family? Health? Studies? I really can't tolerate all these, everyday have to face those fake people. So fake. Really fake. If you ever dislike me, then tell me straight. I have been hiding myself in class, unwilling to go anywhere, coward me. For health, I doubt is something great to share but I have a poor health, I get sick easily and have to take a long time to recover.
Friends. Okay, most people think This way. "oh she/he smokes, don't mix with that person, he/she is bad" but hey, not all smokers are that bad.Some smoke due to the influence of other. Some smoke because they are stress. Do you all even know the reason? If not, stop judging. Most of them definitely have regretted and trying their very best to stop, but it turns out to be a habit but at least they are trying. Some people think this way too. " oh, he/she has tattoo, ain't a good person to mix with, better keep a distance" but hey? Many people love art, they find that those arts are beautiful and they would like to attach them on their bodies. Stop judging though this is a judgmental world. People think" oh, they are gangsters , only know how to fight, so better don't be close to them, they only know how to find troubles, they are troublemakers" but hey, do you have any idea how nice they are? How caring they can be? And most of them will help you out when you are in troubles. How much they care for their loves one? They are nice people, very nice, they aren't as bad as what you guys think of. So stop judging. If you hate people to judge you then why are you judging others? Know them well, stop judging. At times, I just hate this judgmental world. " oh, this girl is pretty so I am going to woo her" oh please, do you even know her character well enough? No, you are simply judging by her looks, realizing that she Is pretty so you go after her. That is not what relationship is looking for. Okay, I can't fully agree the fact that relationship shouldn't go after looks, cause looks are a little important too. But some people go over the limit " oh gosh, she is so hot and pretty, I am so going to break up with ____ to get her as mine" okay, that is totally bullshit. Seriously BULLSHIT! So you find someone prettier and better then you dump your gf aside? Okay, what a guy. Haha! Be it guy or girl, just stop judging. Can't stand those people who goes " oh, she/he is so fat, no one will wants him/her." do you know how nice that person character is? Do you like people to judge you? NO. Do you like others to criticize you? Be it your size? Your looks? You flaws? No right? So stop judging.

Sometimes I do act like I dont care but I do, showing that I have moved on, got over. I feel nothing. I hate you. But it still hurts, cause I miss you. I said those just to make myself hate you cause I can't believe that you have moved on really fast. Everyone says, look to the future, stop lingering around the past. But I am sorry, memories bringing me back. When I am out with my friends and see how their boyfriend being over protective, calling her up every min just to check where she is, and who she Is with. I used to receive calls from him like that too, spamming me with calls and I feel so irritated till I switch off my phone and enjoy my time with my friends. Till now, I miss it, I regretted, I swear, I will never feel irritated anymore, I have taken his concern for granted. I miss how he spammed calls and start asking me. Cause I know, he cares.

Sometimes, I really wonder if you are missing me, cause I am trapping here, missing you really much. I hate myself to be unable to move on, I hate to smile to myself when I think about you. Cause you have moved on, I doubt you will even care. Heh, I said I don't care, I don't miss you but in fact I am crying, saying how much I miss you. How irony can it be right (':

Of course, when I am feeling like shit and someone comes to ask me how am I feeling. I won't try to say out cause I am afraid to break down so I will try to claim that I am fine but in fact I am feeling like shit. I just hope that, that person will gives me a hug, just a friendly hug and knows what I am thinking and feeling.

I blame myself for not being perfect, for not being beautiful enough, for not being good enough. I think that my looks is the reason Why he won't come back cause he have found someone better. I blame myself for having so many flaws. But this is what god has given to us, we have to appreciate it, even though we aren't perfect. We have to appreciate.

I miss it when I am young, no troubles, nothing. Just freedom, life is easy, nothing to worry about. Now? Have to cope with studies, and a lot others. Sigh.

Yup! Those pictures above are me! See, no troubles at all. What a free life.

I am absolutely crazy to type out this but heh :/ I won't send la, no courage and also he also won't care. Heheh! He won't know how I am feeling, I guess, he won't even check out my blog.

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